Saturday, May 29, 2004

How To Bother People At The Mall


- How To / Bother People At The Mall -






  • Ride mechanical ponys with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

  • Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

  • At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AHHHHH!"

  • Teach pet store parrots curses and swears.

  • Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

  • Pretend to be a fashion dummy in clothes stores, occasionally screaming without warning.

  • Test mattresses in your pajamas.

  • Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".

  • Ask an appliance person if they have any tvs that play
    only in Spanish.

  • Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a
    particular saw cuts through the human bone.

  • Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

  • Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray 'them' with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

  • Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

  • Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

  • In the changing rooms, sing, "Baa baa Black Sheep"

  • Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of
    shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

  • Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

  • "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

  • Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

  • Ask the information desk for a stroller, and for someone to push you around in it.

  • Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing Spongebob. Sing the theme song in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

  • Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".

  • Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

  • Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar notes, or even better, one dollar coins!

  • Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally
    pausing to scratch yourself.

  • At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

  • Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man/woman."

  • Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
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