How To Bother People At The Mall

- How To / Bother People At The Mall -

Ride mechanical ponys with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AHHHHH!"

Teach pet store parrots curses and swears.

Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

Pretend to be a fashion dummy in clothes stores, occasionally screaming without warning.

Test mattresses in your pajamas.

Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".

Ask an appliance person if they have any tvs that play
only in Spanish.

Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a
particular saw cuts through the human bone.

Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray 'them' with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

In the changing rooms, sing, "Baa baa Black Sheep"

Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of
shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

"Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

Ask the information desk for a stroller, and for someone to push you around in it.

Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing Spongebob. Sing the theme song in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".

Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar notes, or even better, one dollar coins!

Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally
pausing to scratch yourself.

At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man/woman."

Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.