Saturday, May 29, 2004

JoKeZ

Ummm... Jokes anyone?


- Jokes / Got Any Gwapes? -

A duck walks into a corner store and asked the cashier, "You got any gwapes?" The cashier looks at him and says, "No, we ain't got no gwapes". Then the duck left. The next day the duck came back and asked the cashier, "You got any gwapes?" The cashier looks at him and says, "No, we ain't got no gwapes". Then the duck left. The next day the same duck went back to the same corner store and said, "You got any gwapes?" The cashier said, "No, we ain't got no gwapes and if you ask again I'll staple your feet to the floor". The next day the duck came back and said, "You got any staples?" The cashier looked around and said, "No". Then the duck said, "You got any gwapes?"




- Jokes / Ancient Writings -

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: 1. A woman 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than 3,000 years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically, and the president smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again. It now says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman."





- Jokes / Wanna Buy A Toothbrush? -

There were three men trying to get the same job. There was Adam, Brandon, and Cameron. They had 3 days to sell as many toothbrushes they could. After the 1st Day, Adam had sold 20, Brandon 15, and Cameron sold 1. Brandon said, "I'd try harder tommorrow." to Carter. The next day, Adam had sold 45, Brandon 38, and Cameron 15. Then Adam told Cameron, "Tommorrow's last day, you better do really good." The last day, Adam sold 567, Brandon 472, and Cameron 1,594. Amazed, Adam asked, "How'd you sell that many toothbrushes?" Cameron replied, "Well, I put up a sign that said FREE PIE! Whenever someone would take a bite, they'd say, this tastes like shit. I'd reply, "Why, it is, want to by a toothbrush?"





- Jokes / The Canables -

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get 100 pieces of the same kind of fruit. With that, the three men went their separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten cherries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself, this should be easy. 1...2...3........96...97...98... and on the 99th berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with durians."


- Jokes / The Goldfish -

Little Timmy was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the child was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

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