Horrorscopes

Horrorscopes

Aries
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't give a toss. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding.

Taurus
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear any underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

Gemini
You star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill himself to win a bet.

Cancer
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell a relatives limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

Leo
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most leos are living on welfare.

Virgo
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them but you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queer and the majority of Virgo women are whores.

Libra
You are the forgiving type and don't bear grudges. This makes you an arsehole. For your entire life, people will make an absolute prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral. Of course you will never know.

Scorpio
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However, these are your only good traits. You end up puzzled as well to the extent that you screw small animals and love picking your nose. You always have snot on your clothes.

Sagittarius
You are the romantic type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. You thrive on incest.

Capricorn
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean, self-centred cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

Aquarius
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a labrador wearing fishnet tights.

Pisces
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.